I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
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Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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