She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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