Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
