I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
