Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
