Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
