I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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