I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
