Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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