Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
