last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
