There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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