why im i the only drunk person in the library?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
