I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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