If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
