3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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