The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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