my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
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Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
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My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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