I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
