So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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