he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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