In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
