Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
