It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
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You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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