someone get that fucking seahorse.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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