U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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