Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
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I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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