we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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