Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
