Swine flu. Run for my life!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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