If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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