Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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