dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The Olympian is in my bed
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
