Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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