Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
