Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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