Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
