Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
accomplished twins. life is a go
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
