I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
