five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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