meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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