One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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