It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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