she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
