I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
