So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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