i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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