: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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