A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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