In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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