i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
