Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
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You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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