if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
