I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
