just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
