Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
