I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
