matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
