Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
