i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Randomize
