so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
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What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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