Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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