So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
