I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
