Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
