Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
