Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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