things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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